


Lessons Learned, Redux

by moonlitfog



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Awkward Sexual Situations, Crack, Fluff, M/M, Mild Language, Rimming, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-29
Updated: 2012-05-29
Packaged: 2017-11-06 05:27:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/415231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlitfog/pseuds/moonlitfog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bones learns some important lessons.<br/>Sequel to a prompt fill for the buckle-up meme on LJ. The prompt: 5 scenes from Jim and Bones' sex blooper reel.<br/>I took it one further and turned it into a 5 +1.<br/>No beta, again, and might not be as amusing as the first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lessons Learned, Redux

1

Bones watched Jim walk in the door to their dorm room, looked at the straggling, dripping hair and the sopping clothes, and allowed a predatory smile to creep across his face. Jim glanced up and froze.

“Think we need to get you in the shower, get you warmed up there, boy.”

A grin gleamed and blue eyes glittered before the men disappeared into the bathroom.

It was when Jim's shoulders were pressed into the wall, hands tightly gripping the shower head, water spraying in their faces and their bodies slapping as Bones drove into Jim's tight heat, that Bones heard a sharp crack. He peered through clumped eyelashes and watched in disbelief as the shower head and a portion of pipe tore through the shower enclosure before the shower head detached.

Bones learns a few lessons from this. First: shower heads aren't weight bearing structures and they will spitefully tear off before gleefully obeying physics, thereby flying into his face to break his nose. Second: waking up to find a roomful of emergency responders separating him from his still unconscious boyfriend au naturel is humiliating. Third: sometimes emergency responders are laughing so hard at your misadventure that they will accidentally drop the gurney to which you are strapped. Fourth: the building maintenance men will never again look at either you or your boyfriend without snickering. Fifth: some boyfriends, his in particular, don't respond well to being held overnight for medical observation. They will withhold outrageously good blow jobs for weeks in retaliation. This is patently unfair.

2

Bones had spent the afternoon at the sports clinic, treating various injuries, becoming ever more sarcastic and disgruntled at 'all you dumb jocks, adrenalin junkies and meat-headed muscle-bound cretins with nothin' better to do than force me to fix your idiot asses.' He had been so annoyed he had just thrown on his street clothes and stalked off home after treating a kickboxer who had slipped and strained his right quadriceps.

He was shoved against the wall right after walking through the door and stopped trying to speak when he had found himself with a mouthful of Jim's tongue. Jim's clever fingers had teased his clothes off, shoved him to the bed, and were working him into a rutting frenzy when Jim pulled back.

Bones reached out. “Damnit, Jim, you cocktease. Get your ass back here.”

“Rather have your fingers in my ass.” The sultry look on Jim's face as he tossed the lube to Bones almost undid him. He'd never know how Jim could turn him into a hair-triggered sixteen-year-old, and right now he didn't care. He slicked his fingers as Jim spread his legs enticingly. 

Seconds later he was two fingers in, nudging Jim's prostate, when Jim said, “Uh, Bones? Shit! Burns, Bones, _burns!_ ”

Bones learns a few things from this. First: it's always prudent to wash his hands thoroughly _before_ leaving the building after a shift at the sports clinic. Second: as sports rubs, IcyHot and capsaicin creams may be efficacious and soothing, but they don't achieve the same effect when accidentally mixed with lube and rubbed into his boyfriend's anus. Third: that kind of burning _doesn't_ turn on his boyfriend. _At all_. Fourth: Jim will not speak to him for more than 24 hours after such an incident. Fifth: Bones files that information away for future use for when Jim just will _not_ shut the hell up. He does, however, make it up to Jim with amazing waffles.

3

Bones was balls deep in Jim's mouth, breath stuttering as Jim swallowed around him before pressing his tongue tip along the underside of his cock, and holy hell it felt like Jim's tongue was eight inches long as it worked from the base toward the crown, and oh holy mother of mercy how could Jim's tongue be double jointed when there aren't any bones in there and oh god the suction as Jim hollowed his cheeks and swallowed again... Bones glanced down toward where he had his fingers buried in Jim's hair in time to see the spider land on his chest and start scuttling. He jerked backwards and flailed as he was startled into coming all over Jim's face.

Bones learns a few things from this. First: spiders have no respect for Jim-and-Bones-sexy-times. Second: his boyfriend does _not_ appreciate accidental facials. Third: said boyfriend appreciates the semen in his eye much, much less than surprise ejaculations on his face. Fourth: Bones hadn't previously realized Jim knew such a variety of profanity in so many languages. Bones is actually quite impressed. Fifth: Bones now harbors a deep, unwavering hatred of all arachnids and will gladly respond to any and all calls to exterminate the sex-ruining bastards. He takes vindictive glee in the resultant arachnicide. So does Jim.

4

It was after a not-too-bad-for-a-clusterfuck of an away mission, and Bones had been so glad Jim had returned relatively unharmed that he had dragged Jim into a private exam room. He pushed Jim down on the bio-bed and kissed and licked a trail from Jim's lips to neck to chest. He suckled on a nipple, making Jim groan and grip his shoulders. When he mouthed across the newly regenerated skin on the taut abdomen, the muscles jumped and contracted, nudging Jim's pelvis up in search of contact.

Bones nibbled along the hollow between hipbone and groin, down to the tender flesh of Jim's thigh before sucking a testicle into his mouth to roll it between the roof of his mouth and his tongue. Jim moaned and pressed down on Bones's head in approval. When his tongue slipped through Jim's tight ring, he was rewarded with a sharp cry from Jim and a gasp from the doorway. Horrified, he looked over to see Nurse O'Brien trying in vain to hide an erection and a blushing Doctor Pak turning to shoo away the wide-eyed janitor and two astonished ensigns.

Bones learns a few things from this. First: no matter how impatient they are, always double check that the door is locked. Second: Jim does _not_ care about getting caught. He wants to be laid and he wants it now-damnit-or-so-help-me-Bones-I'll-lock-you-in-the-brig-and-throw-away-the-key. Third: Viagra works as advertised to revive suddenly lost erections. Fourth: he doesn't have to look anyone in the eye when Jim finally lets him leave the room, because everyone else is too embarrassed to look at _them_. 

5

Bones leaned forward on the bed, reaching back to pull his asscheecks apart, giving Jim a perfect view. Jim was slowly stroking himself as Bones slipped his lubed fingers, and then a slim dildo, inside himself. Damn, he loved showing off for Jim and teasing him until he was a quivering mass of need. Jim's breathing sped up at the erotic sight, then froze as Bones stiffened and cursed. 

“What? What's wrong?”

Bones buried his face in the bedding as he cursed a blue streak. Jim's heart froze as he realized both of Bones's hands were away from his ass. “Bones, where's the dildo?”

Bones learns a few things from this. First: lubed hands combined with a thin, straight, lubed dildo are never a good idea. Second: that damned thing is _not_ coming back out unassisted. Third: panicked boyfriends do not good exploratory surgeons make. Fourth: the embarrassment of prior fiascos is nothing to the humiliation that ensues when he has to present himself in his own Sickbay to have a foreign object removed from his rectum. Fifth: after the panic subsides, Jim will try to comfort him even while overcome with snickering. This is not in the least comforting.

+1

Bones led Jim from the very romantic restaurant to their hotel. He led Jim into the bathroom and stripped him before pushing the man into the scented water of the jacuzzi. The water glittered from the candles scattered about and Jim leaned back before pulling Bones to him, their mouths molding together. Bones's tongue mimicked his hand on Jim's cock before he rose over Jim. Sinking down, he took Jim deep inside himself and clenched as he pulled back up. Starting a slow rhythm, they moved together gently, breath mingling, hands stroking, hearts melting. The water splashed then subsided to ripples as they peaked and calmed.

When he laid a still damp Jim on the bed to lap up the remaining moisture, then took Jim in his mouth before taking his body, Jim arched and gasped, “Bones, love you, Bones.”

Bones doesn't learn anything from this. Instead, he relearns a few things. First: romance is alive and well in his world. Second: Jim, as always, is an appreciative, giving lover and subsequent cuddler. Third: this is their best anniversary yet. Fourth: as with each prior anniversary, Bones wonders how he can love Jim so much more than he did the previous year. Fifth: no matter what happens in their lives, the good times always more than make up for the bad and he'll never give up this man or their life together.

**Author's Note:**

> It should go without saying that I don't know or own or profit from these characters. I'm just amusing myself. I apologize for the comma-abuse and other grammar sins. Again I kept switching tenses because that's what felt right. If you see something else that needs to be corrected and you feel like telling me, I'll be happy to fix it. Also, I apologize for my inability to write porn well.
> 
> Kel_1970 suggested Vicks Vap-o-rub would be an unfortunate blooper, I changed it to sports rubs. Thanks for the prompt!!
> 
> The non-standard notes this time:
> 
> Shower head attachments aren't the only iffy bathroom sexual locations/apparatus. Toilet seats tend to detach when you're fucking vigorously on them as well. Make sure whatever you're on, or holding on to, is firmly attached and/or a weight bearing structure. Just sayin'. Also, I knew a guy who was dropped while being carried down stairs on a gurney. Fortunately, nobody was hurt from it, but remember that emergency responders are people too, and usually have excellent senses of humor. Wait to tell them funny stories until you're all _off_ the stairs.
> 
> I had a spider stroll across my chest last night and that's what spurred me to finish this. I have had a not-quite-phobia about them ever since I was two-years-old and showed my Mom 'the beautiful butterfly' I found. She put the fear of God in me and impressed upon me the important distinction between 'beautiful butterflies' and black-widow spiders. Spiders and sex? Just don't mix.
> 
> I've never personally known anyone who, out of the blue, felt compelled to share experiences like the others above with me, like they did with Jim's lessons, nor have I suffered objects becoming lost where they shouldn't, semen pink-eye or public exposure (although only by happy chance). Be careful out there, kids, but don't forget to have fun. :D


End file.
